Simply stay away

A friend (a single father) once told me about his experiences with a lady that he was in a relationship with.

According to him, her only reaction when she learned about his ‘single father’ status was these words ‘’children are better off with their mum. You should send them to their mother’’.

Nothing like making efforts to find out how (separated, divorced, widowed or just by choice?) he became a single father. All that are none issues to her. What seems to be more important to her is that the children ‘disappear’ from the picture…to appease her royal highness, perhaps?

A single mother also shared her story with me… about a guy that she had just begun to have ‘relationship talks’ with. He didn’t ask ‘what is your child’s name, how old is your child or even… what is your story.’ The only thing he seemed interested in was how involved (especially welfare wise) the child’s father is in the life of the child, then followed by a catalogue of ‘advice’ and lectures on why the child should be sent to his father.

Read me right…a lot of people simply do not have such a ‘large heart’ as to emotionally accommodate a child that they didn’t sire and this (to me) is not a sin. After all, we are all wired differently.

 What is offensive (however) is not understanding yourself enough (as the supposed adult that you are) by letting yourself get involved in settings you know (deep down) that your emotions, mentality, understanding(and everything that makes you-‘you’)… will not accommodate. And true to character…these set of people neither have the patience to wait for nor the ‘interest’ to ask for ‘the rest of the story’(a case of runaway father/mother, cantankerous relationship/parenting, divorce, violence, bereavement, etc) before rushing to dispense their(‘children disappear’!) ‘advice’.

It just is so insensitive …our way of thinking, that is.

 Who are you… for a mother who knows what she went through for nine months and during ‘child birth’ to send her kids ‘away’ for?

Yes…who are you- for a father who is (probably) everything to his child (ren) and vice versa to keep them ‘away’, for?

Simply stay away from single parents, if you are incapable of embracing them alongside their baggage.

It is no sin or offence, if you cannot ‘do’ a single parent. What is offensive (however) is suddenly coming into the picture and ‘advising’ (often unsolicited and for… obvious selfish reasons) how things should run in the lives of those you know nothing about where they are coming from and what they have been through.

 I mean, if it’s  that easy to ‘let go’ of a child…go carry ‘belle’ (or ‘give’ somebody one ),go through: the nine months rigour, all the welfare ‘wahala’ as you bond with your ‘bundle of joy’ and then… give it up for adoption. Just so that a human being who thinks the world starts and ends with his/her love can ‘accept’ you.

Every privilege comes with some ‘efforts’. If you want the ‘privilege’ of being a single parent’s ‘lone star in the sky’…then begin to make some efforts to understand their stories. In the process, you will also learn why what you see as their ‘baggage’ isn’t easy to shirk off.

It may be true that loving a single parent can be emotionally demanding, as one would need to embrace their baggage-to get to them. But if you genuinely have decided to pitch your tent with a single parent, then start with doing away with the ‘advice’ (even if you mean well) and (instead) begin to offer them your ‘maximum support’, that is…understanding, tolerance, care, selflessness, complete acceptance, etc’.